i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
