Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You left your phone here
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