I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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