Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
