My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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