....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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