Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
