I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
