You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
