I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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