You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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