um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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