Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
