The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
