Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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