You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize