Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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