How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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