How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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