i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
