Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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