i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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