Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
