Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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