I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
