I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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