If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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