Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize