I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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