When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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