this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
