I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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