My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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