Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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