You can't motorboat a personality
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
