areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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