I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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