Already got asked if we're dating
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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