it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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