it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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