finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
