Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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