if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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