he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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