My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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