Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
