Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
