If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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