my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
