You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
