My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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