she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
