I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
