Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize