Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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