I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
