tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
