did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
