Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
