Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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