you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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