Already got asked if we're dating
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
