Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
