I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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