1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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