why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize