I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
