wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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